Today’s Tax Day in America, which means tax returns are due, and, in general, many citizens are probably feeling pretty damn angsty. And because it’s impossible to put a positive spin on either of those things, here are eight angry, grumpy, death-related cocktails that you can sip on to make you feel better. Although keep in mind that we encourage you to drink responsibly and peacefully.
We have to start this list off with The Income Tax Cocktail, right? Unlike this lousy-ass day, this cocktail is sweet and delicious, and doesn’t want anything from your wallet. OK, maybe a little something from your wallet, but you may already have the ingredients — gin, orange juice, vermouth, etc. — in your house anyway.
2. Angry Balls
If you’re especially frustrated about needing to send in your taxes, the Angry Balls is your drink. With two ingredients — Fireball whiskey and Angry Orchard Apple Cider — it’s super simple to make, which will be a nice break after filling out a stack of unnecessarily complex tax forms.
Taxes got you seeing red and feeling like death? Ladies and gentlemen, may we present: The Red Death. Sloe Gin, Southern Comfort, Amaretto, vodka, Triple Sec, and Orange Juice. ‘Cause the only requirements in life are taxes and (red) death.
Thought you were going to get a refund but didn’t? The Hell’s Fury Shot is for you. Can’t pound your tax accountant, but you can pound this shot full of Everclear, Black Absinthe, and Fireball.
Sometimes doing taxes feels like a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick to the face, so why not do a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick to the Face Shot? Although it combines Sambuca, Jägermeister, and Absinthe, so it may actually be a bit harsher than a genuine kick to the face.
6. Angry Pirate
If you really hate paying taxes, you can always try to hide your booty like some kind of angry pirate. Unless you have no booty to hide, in which case you can just sip on this Angry Pirate cocktail full of Peach Schnapps, Coconut Rum, and Island Punch Pucker.
For the people who literally did their taxes this morning, this Death in the Afternoon cocktail is for you all. Just Absinthe and champagne, which sounds like the right combo for the amount of anger and celebratory relief you’re feeling right now.
8. Angry Badger
Finally we have the Angry Badger shots, which combine Fireball and honey whiskey. They’re simple, they’ll do the trick, and they’re pretty cheap, so if you just gave all your dough to Uncle Sam, you can still (hopefully) afford them.
How are you feeling about these angsty cocktails and the fact that it’s Tax Day? Get as grumpy as you damn well please in the comments.