It’s hard to sum up the perfect Valentine’s date because they’re all so different — newbie couples may get into some Adios-level craziness, whereas old flames will probably have more of a Hot Buttered Rum kind of night. But if we’re talking about the essential Valentine’s hook-up scenario, that we can describe in detail with the following 10 tasty-ass cocktails. So take a journey with us, tipsy lovers, as these drinks sequence the broad strokes of one hell of an evening with your special someone.
The Tango Twist
The night begins with dancing! But none of that standard twerk fare — we’re talking classy, caliente tango dancing, as represented by this slushy, red and yellow Tango Twist cocktail. It’s clean, it’s mango-licious, and it will let the passion build as you and your partner find the right sensual rhythms to carry you through the night. Olé!
Sweet Kiss Martini
After the dancing, and maybe a little snack so nobody gets hangry, you and your partner share your first kiss, as represented by this Sweet Kiss Martini. There’s blushing, a rush of sweetness, and tingly feelings in your loins — and that’s just from the cocktail!
French Kiss Shots
Wow! Lips on lips felt pretty great, so it’s time to mix in a little European enthusiasm with the French Kiss (Shot). This beautiful little whipped cream-topped shooter has many layers, just as the perfect tongue joust has many lusty thrusts and parries.
Netflix & Chill Cocktail
Mmmmmmm… that was nice. No teeth clanking or stank breath, so it’s time to “watch a movie” with the Netflix & Chill cocktail. This gigantic bowl of peach vodka and Hennessy is supercharged with Four Loko, ’cause nothing says romance like a loud television and a giant can of energy drink.
The Hairy Navel
Things are heating up, so it’s time to bring in The Hairy Navel. Yes, all parts of your partner are delicious, and so too are all the parts of this vodka and Schnapps drink. Side note: If you find a hair in your Hairy Navel, don’t drink it.
Buttery Nipple Shot
Now it’s time for something really playful in your mouth — Buttery Nipple Shots. These shooters are topped with whipped cream, but not a lot, so you may have some extra in the can for zesty, squirt teasing.
Tie Me To The Bedpost
Because it’s 2018, and just after midnight, it’s time to get a little freaky with the Tie Me To The Bedpost. It’s a sweet and sour cocktail that will playfully punish your tastebuds. (The safe word is: cherry garnish.)
The Screaming Orgasm
Hallelujah, praise oxytocin! Your date has just hit its climax with The Screaming Orgasm, and if this decadent dessert drink describes where your night is at this point, friends, all we can say is that you’ve made it to the promised land.
The Sleeping Beauty Cocktail
Now that you’re both in a much more relaxed mood, and maybe recovering from rope burn on your extremities, it’s time for The Sleeping Beauty Cocktail. Experience the sweetest of dreams with this drink, as it lulls you into a Hpnotiq rest.
Irish Breakfast Shot
Oh good! It’s morning and nobody disappeared during the night, which means it’s time for the Irish Breakfast Shot. Bacon, whiskey, and orange juice, because you both deserve a breakfast of champions after all the work you did last night.
Bonus: The Cure For Blue Balls
Or perhaps you weren’t able to find a date for Valentine’s this year — we’ve all been there (some of us live there). For those folks belonging to this club with no bouncers or line or cover charge or people to talk to, we have The Cure For Blue Balls. It’s tasty and tropical, and we promise after a few sips you’ll be feeling relieved. Or maybe even confident enough to find a real cure for what ails ya.
How do you feel about this sexy Valentine’s date sequence? Do these cocktail names give you any spicy ideas to try, or are you good with a box of chocolates and some couch cuddling? Let us know!